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"On-Line Dating: The Lures, the Loves...and Sometimes the Lies"Flair(February 2001) |
Early last December I noticed something. Most of my thirty-something girlfriends
were dating up a storm. On the other hand, since ending a long-distance romance,
my most exciting evenings had been spent watching reruns of "Friends."
So, what was the secret to their success? "Go on the Internet," my
friend Lisa told me. "That's where the boys are."
Like I said, my own dating life had been pretty pathetic for quite some time,
so the suggestion was a no-brainer.
My goal: to find a relationship. After doing a little research (asking friends),
I joined two sites which focused heavily on profiles (a great way to learn about
someone before the first contact), as well as photos (most sites say that you
get more than three times better responses if you post a photo). So I signed
up with jdate.com (a Jewish online service with more than 110,153 members),
and Match.com (more than 180,000 active users). Some sites are for free, but
I figured you get what you pay for, so although posting on jdate is free, I
paid a three month membership of $49.95 (one month is $19.95, 6 months, $79.95,
12 months $99.95); match.com has a free trial, and then it's $16.95 a month
for membership.
I had tried answering phone and personal ads before, and had even dated a few
people I met that way, but often found I had no chemistry with someone I met
sight unseen. I also felt the immediacy of a web-based response was better than
waiting for photo and letter exchanges in the mail from the more traditional
personal route.
I sent in my headshot, and had a slight qualm about privacy, but reassured
myself that since my photo mainly appeared in women's magazines, no man would
place the name with the face. I filled out my profile, describing myself as
nurturing, vivacious, slim, curvy, feminine, artistic, kind), looking for a
man who is successful, fit, enthusiastic, emotionally and financially secure.
I played it cool at first, wary of meeting potential stalkers, but soon found
that my reporter's instincts were mainly on target. The way I approached online
dating was time effectively. No volleying back and forth with emails for several
weeks for me (at least not after doing it with one man, and then finding there
was no chemistry when we finally met). I simply looked at a man's photo and
profile, and then if I liked what I saw, I made the first contact. If we had
a good follow up email, I asked him for his number. This is in direct contrast
to the way most women date online--they tend to let the men take the lead.
Before long, after a couple of interesting emails, I was meeting more men in
two months in person, than I had in the last two years. One guy I dated, Scott,
(name changed to protect the guilty), was 45, nearly ten years older than me,
sexy, but very mellow-quite the opposite to my very verbal, vivacious personality.
Our relationship grew slowly, helped along by the fact that I felt very in demand
by other men. Because there were certain elements lacking in our relationship,
we recently parted ways, but through our three month relationship, I learned
a lot about what I need in a partner. I went back to the part of my profile
that said what I was looking for and added in (someone loyal, with personal
integrity who has the ability to commit to people, organizations, community,
etc.).
Still, I highly recommend online dating, am considered a success story by my friends (because I actually found a relationship), and plan to continue to put myself out there until I find Mr.Right...and you can too.
Here is a veritable cornucopia of sites to search for love. You can also click onto XseeksY.com, which not only provides sites to go to, but also provides online forums, tools such as personals writer software, which helps "ghostwrite" compelling personal ads, plus dating advice columns, to help you build and nurture a new relationship:
"The Internet is a wonderful opportunity to find out about who a person
is before investing time and energy going through the dating process,"
says Dr. John Gray (Mars and Venus on a Date) "It can also be very healing,
because so many times, when blind dates don't work out, or there is no chemistry,
people feel rejected. On the other hand, when people meet over the Internet,
they first get a chance to know how the person thinks and feels, and can then
suggest an interaction based on common values." Trish McDermott, Match.com's
online dating expert says yes, there are millions of fish out there in the Internet
sea, but recommends the following cautious approach to cybercourting:
1) Find the site that works for you. Search through a site before you join or
become a member to see if it attracts like minded people--the type of person
you would date. If not, move on.
2) Always pick a site that gives you an anonymous handle, which is important
for security.
3) When emailing someone, be positive and upbeat, don't disclose things like
financial difficulties, problems with your boss, harassing ex-spouses. Communicate
what the most important attributes in a life partner are to you. Ask about parental
relationships.
4) Trust your gut instinct. As you are getting to know a man online, if a red
flag is raised, acknowledge it and be ready to move on. Here are a few general
ones:
Although opportunities for finding your perfect mate can seem endless, there is a dark side. Some con artists prey on romance-hungry women, plying them with electronic love letters and false tales of personal abundance and success. Do you think he's too good to be true? Women can protect themselves against this by taking advantage of the almost limitless varieties of background checks, available through such companies as Check-A-Date.com (888-258-3068), $89.95 for a complete profile. Or check out WhoisHe.com (where for $41-$77, you can get a search for a man's birth date, marital status and brushes with the law) or go to yahoo or any other search engine and plugging in the words Background Check. You can also order Check Him Out! The American Woman's Guide to Background Investigations, from Washington Research Associates, P.O. Box 2003, Littleton, CO 80161 for $19.95 plus $3.00 s/h.
"I went onto Swoon, originally because I thought they had a really cool astrology section. One day I went to check my horoscope and ended up in the personals section. Bryan's ad didn't have a photo, but it was the only ad I laughed with, not at. He sounded smart and funny, and didn't say anything about liking long walks in the park and romantic dinners like everyone else. We emailed each other almost every day for about three weeks. Then we spoke on the phone. A couple of weeks later, we went out on a date. We got engaged seven months later, and plan to get married in September 2000, about a year and a half from the date of our first email. I think that if you take reasonable precautions with online dating you should be fine. Actually, Bryan and I attended the same high school briefly, so I wasn't scared to meet him in person."
"When I first emailed Robin in August 1998, one of the first things she told me was she enjoyed the singles scene. That appealed to me, since I figured it meant she was very social. I wasn't interested in getting into an email pen pal situation, so I asked her for her number right away. We had a nice conversation and agreed to meet. I immediately felt attracted to her and hoped she had inner-beauty to match. At the same time, I had been through enough relationships that I knew the most important things like values, maturity and compassion manifest over time. I also thought she was hip, because on our first date she said her favorite movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark instead of something like Beaches. Robin and I dated for twenty months before we got engaged. I believe that as long as you have an open mind, and are willing to take risks and have patience, online dating can be the way to go."
"Mike and I started chatting back in April ë96, on an alt. music chat room on Yahoo, and because he was from Albany, and I was from Seattle, we corresponded for a while via email, progressing to regular mail and phone. I loved our fun, open conversations, and it was a pleasant surprise to discover we shared similar multi-ethnic backgrounds--my mom is Chinese, his mom is Korean; my dad German/English, his dad Welsh. We exchanged photos before he flew to Seattle to visit me for two weeks that July. After about the fifth day, I knew that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and realized that although there were differences between us, I didn't pick him apart, like I had with other guys, because we had really taken the time to get know each other before establishing a romantic relationship. He returned to live with me that August. We got married, August 25, 1999. I know how lucky we are each day to have met, but I think no one should assume the relationship two people establish online is going to make a perfectly smooth transition into the real world."
A study from jdate is very revealing, and says your age is the determining
factor, as to whether or not you would reveal you met the person you married
on the Internet. Here's the scoop:
45 and older: Absolutely not.
35-45: Half and half.
25-35: Of course.
20 and younger: How else would we meet someone?