MILAN (UPI)--"White is the new black," Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace announced at the showing of her fall collection.
After lunch, Versace outlined other alterations to the known spectrum of color: "Orange is now blue. Green is still green but darker. Polka-dot is the new plaid--without the stripes. And gray... fehgeddaboutit! "
The news sent shockwaves through the headquarters of Smith & Binney, makers of Crayola crayons. Still stinging from the "Flesh" controversy of 1988, the company immediately recalled its boxes of 144 hues until renaming could be completed. Kindergarten classes nationwide were suspended as representatives of the Easton, Pennsylvania, firm swept in to remove millions of mislabeled art supplies.
Meanwhile, at Blauman's Bridal Bazaar in Bay Shore, New York, the National Guard was called in to subdue hundreds of prospective brides, who stormed the showroom demanding to be updated on the status of their wedding gowns. "If I wear white, will people still know I'm a virgin?" wept Sheila Moscowitz-Matucci, who will be married for the third time on June 4. "And what about 'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue'? Now blue is orange? Do you have any idea what orange does to my skin tone?"
Traffic on Main Streets across the country came to a standstill as fashion-savvy truck drivers braked to check their copies of Women's Wear Daily. "I need to know if red still means 'stop,'" fretted a sweaty Moe Bleeck of Moe's Movers, in Mobile Home, Alabama.
When reached for comment, Versace offered this statement: "I was only kidding. Sheesh! Lighten up."
